"Tomorrow is Always Fresh...."

At this time when a year is coming to an end I think we can all agree it is a time of reflection of the past, and thinking about what we desire in the future.

After quite a revolutionary and trying year this past year has been it sometimes is hard to remember the good things that had happened, and to continue to have hope into the future.  But for every large trying moment that has happened, there has to be about ten great things that had to fill in those times between the trying times.

And I have tried to make it a point this year to think about that.  As much as I fear of what could happen with certain unstable situations, weep for those injustices that have happened this past year that I felt helpless to stop, and feel the frustration of not fulfilling goals I had set out at the beginning of this year, I also see many wonderful moments that I made sure to look at with gratitude and happiness.  Like seeing my son grow everyday.  Everyday has been an adventure with him and every discovery he has is a joy to see.  His face lights up so brightly when he sees something new, or figures something out.  And though he'll have his tantrums and will want attention when I'm in the middle of something I think is "important", I wouldn't trade anything for those little hugs and to hear him laugh when he's being tickled.  And my husband's warm affection and him telling me that he loves me every moment, everyday.  Those special times I have spent with family and friends.  And though sadly I have lost one of my precious fur children this past year, I am thankful to have my other very loud but lovable kitty to grace my lap from time to time with endless affection.

There is also much to be excited about for the future.  The great thing about the future is it is always changing, always moving.  You never really are in one place all the time.  And, if you choose to believe and keep faith in yourself, you can find the ability to live the life you desire, not feel stuck or unable to do things.  Any excuse that comes to mind has some origin with a limit you have placed upon yourself.  If you truly want change, be the change.  How that change happens may not be what you thought it would be, but if you keep up the thoughts and actions that you can do it then it will happen.

This year I have set several resolutions, several desires for changes, and some haven't happened, yet.  But several have.  I have experienced new things, done things I have desired a long time to do, and found out things about myself I didn't know were there.  And yes, of course there have been hard times.  Times where angry words have been said, where tears have been shed, where sudden loss left empty places in my heart, and fears have overwhelmed.  But I can't let that dictate my life, and how I live it.

I have many hopes for the future.  Looking into our own home, expanding our family, learning more crafts and finally finishing my herbalist lessons.  To see family we haven't seen in years, and to expand upon new hobbies that we are experiencing together as a family.  Maybe even visit some new places.  And yes, this seems a bit broad in description but it's very detailed in my head about what these experiences are.  Will I experience all of them?  Maybe not.  I don't think anyone can say for sure what the future holds.  But I certainly aim to try and do them all.

I can see how this past year has been trying on many of us.  And I could easily agree with everyone who is celebrating that such a hard/sad/trying year is finally over.  But what kind of year are we going into?  Like Miss Stacey would say "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it......yet."  Not only do I like the fact that she had my name, but she was very right about that.  But more importantly I don't want to live this next year carrying the anger and fears that have ruled this year.  So if I'm going to choose to remember this year I choose to remember that it taught me that how my life is experienced depends on my view of those experiences, and acceptance of that which I can't change.

So here's not only to the lesson's of the past, but to tomorrow with no mistakes in it.... yet.

A Lifetime Ago, But Only Yesterday....

So here I find myself again.  After going through a whirl wind of giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and finding my feet as a mother of a rambunctious two year old, I find myself trying to go back to my roots.

I have found being a stay at home Mom one of the most fulfilling jobs in my life, and yet the one that has driven me the most crazy.  Our son has changed our lives in ways we've never thought possible.  From the everyday mundane, like getting out the door in less than five minutes is impossible now, to the overall epiphanies, like how much bigger and scarier the world becomes when you have to care for and defend this small creature that has no clue what danger truly is!

But with in all this I have also found that hidden desire to once again go back to who I am as my own person.  It took a while to figure that out.  As a new mother I threw myself into the every day workings that is raising a child.  And though I loved it and I loved him more than anything, I still found myself getting upset easily and feeling burnt out.  Compound this with the Mommy guilt of feeling like you're never able to do enough in a day and I was about ready to fall off the deep end.  But, slowly, I started to work on bringing back the small parts of me that keep me grounded.  Cooking a meal, drying some herbs, getting a new book on an interesting subject that has nothing to do with raising a child.  And taking time each day to just relax and breathe.  To have some me time.

And that is how I found myself back to here.  Before I would pressure myself to post, feel guilty that I didn't.  Like I was failing at some regiment.  And what would people think if I didn't write a post in a while?  Well, it wasn't the end of the world.  In fact it was good to take the time to figure these things out.  But I am also glad to be typing these words again, to be reflecting on my new way of living and honoring it.  This new phase of mother hood has really made me think of what I want to do and where I want to go from here.  That being a mother isn't the only thing I have to do, even if it is a big part of my life now.

It is amazing how life changes so quickly.  How something can happen in a day and make it seem like yesterday was a lifetime ago.  And that is what happened when my Alex came into the world.  The life I lived before that day was completely different than the day he was born and it changed my life forever.  And I will never forget it.

It seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it was only yesterday.